"The only news you can trust"
Volume 14 Issue 5
100% pure malice
Bunter the Banker speaks his mind:
I say you chaps, things seem to have got a bit wishy washy recently, no one seems to know what to do. Gosh, once was we knew where we were but just recently we seem to be all over the shop. I know the jolly old pestilence hasn't helped but that's no excuse and I blame you rotters for not coming out of your hovells and getting back to work.
Golly, I, like you, have been stuck in my crib for months, watching Netflix and getting stewed on a diet of Champaine and oysters but I, unlike you, know all good things must come to an end. So, when the summons came, I switched off my zoom, quit watching You Tube, said goodbye to Netflix and re-hired my driver to take me into work.
I don't know about you fellows but I went unmasked having already suffered a double dose of that vaccine, spread over a month or two of course and adminisitered by my doctor,at home, so I didn't have to risk my health by mingling with you common folk, queuing up at some chemist or civic centre.
Employing one of our finest Artists, David Hockney, as part of his seven million pound campaign, he has bought a ray of sunshine to one of the shadier parts of our city by jollying up the signage and offering a breathtaking spectacle of colour on the screens previously occupied by such luminaries as Coca-Cola and British Airways.
Now, I do have to say to you London chaps who have yet to trespass back into town, our Mayor has something of a treat for you. His 'Let's Do London' campaign - no relation to Debbie Does Dallas sadly, particularly around Piccadilly Circus has some charming new decorations for you to ogle, not only in the station but in the circus itself.
It's a truly thrilling display which is sure to tickle the funny bones of commuters and tourists alike, and well worth the money. Of course there have been countless moaning minnies who would have prefered to spend the money on more socially concious projects but what do they know?
The uglification of our once beautiful city has already proved a huge success and this delightful project only seeks to build on what has gone on before.
So, come on you absolute rotters let's be having you back in the non-smoke, serving up lunches and rattling those tills, so fellows like me can return to something of a normal life.
YOUR CELEBRITY WEATHER FORECAST
It's the famous masked weatherman
"Climate critical, sun running out, icebergs expected off Worthing."