"The only news you can trust"
Volume 14 Issue 5
100% pure malice
Letter of the week
Popped INTO my local today, had the best twelve pints of my life and then, can you believe it, got kicked out all because I asked the barmaid to 'get 'em out for the lads.' Can't believe what's happened to this country over lockdown , lost it's sense of humour or what?
You know how we we're discouraged from call the recent pestilence the China Virus for fear of upsetting the Chinese, then how come they seem quite happy to dicuss the Indian variant? I suppose it doesn't matter if they upset India as they're unlikely to want to blow us out of the water.
Dear Mr Bazzley
As Sadiq Kahn seems to intent on jollying London up; welcoming it's worforce back with a witty David Hockney take on underground signage, perhaps he should have gone a step further and issued all the staff with a red nose and a fez, I'm sure commuters, already late for work, would find that hilarious..
Alternatively he could have invested the eight million pounds it reportedly cost, in trying to combat knife crime, the homeless crisis or helping small busineeses survive. I'm sure the money, better spent on the world as it is and not how he would like it to be, would be far more welcome. Although, now with the money he'll have rolling in from his iniquitous new ULZ initiative, he'll have more than enough to waste on even jollier projects like BLM and Extinction Rebellion festivals or Muslim Pride Week.
Welcome back to London.
Can't wait for that report on UFO's to be released by The Pentagon in June, it's going to be a game changer and help me prove that I really was abducted by aliens last week and that's why I missed my court date.
I've just been cancelled, struck off social media for confusing Karl Marx with Groucho Marx. All I said was, in the words of Grouch Markx, 'The only reason I masturbate every morning is to start my heart beating' I'd mistakenly attributed those words to Karl Marx and someone complained. I tried to apologise but they wouldn't have it. They thought I was taking the mick out of Karl, obviously a hate crime these days and of course in defiance of their code of conduct. So here I am a silenced voice, a non-person, what do I do Bazz?
I met this fab guy during lockdown. He had the loveliest eyes and gorgeous hair, I couldn't see much else because we reamained masked, so as not to infect each other or anyone else. Nothing much happened because we also remained socially distanced but when they said we could leave our masks behind, oh dear what a disappointment, he had a horrid moustache, bad teeth and terrible halitosis, such a pity. So, I insisted we remain socially distanced and refused to kiss him goodbye. Did I do the right thing Bazz, what do you think?
I wonder if you've had a chance to chat with your friends at NASA about my idea of firing all our rubbish, including nuclear waste, into space. I'm sure those on other worlds would make good use of it.